Using Detail to Pull Reader In and Create an Effect
Original version:
Once, about ten years ago, I went backpacking with a
friend of mine in the Catskills. I had just been recuperating from a long bout with
sciatica and I wanted not to push myself too much. We saw a way that we could take a
short-cut to the lake where we wanted to set up camp. Unfortunately, the path seemed
to go through someone's backyard....[See expansion below.] So we
knocked on this guy's door and asked him if it would be OK if we hiked through. He said,
quite flatly, no. But we weren't deterred. We figured we'd hike back the way we'd
come and then when we were out of sight we'd take a back route and hook up with the
original trail. No sooner than we came over this rise near that trail, however, than we
heard a rifle shot. Needless to say we were scared ___less. We hightailed it out of there
and started crossing to the road when we saw a car cruising slowly. Then we realized the
man was not content to shoot a warning shot; he was still looking for us. We took cover
and waited. Finally we took another path, hoping that we could cross the road when he had
turned around. But we ran into dogs, which barked furiously, so we had to cut down to the
road before we wanted to. Luckily, the man in the car wasn't there and we escaped, but my
heart was still pounding in my chest.
Expansion, using details to create a particular effect:
Unfortunately, the path seemed to go through someone's backyard. We had been walking through a pleasant pastoral scene--sheep in the fields surrounding small, modest homes. This house, however, backed up against the forest and seemed darker than the others. I knocked on the door. When the inner door opened, the screen door remained between us and him. He stood back so that we couldn't really see his face. I dimly saw his paunch through the screen.
"Hi," I said. "We were wondering if we could hike through to the trail over the mountain."
His response was instant and blunt.
"That's my property all the back across the ridge," he said.
I still couldn't see his mouth. It was just a voice, a strangely menacing voice that had not the slightest hint of human warmth.
"We wouldn't disturb anything," I suggested.
"Nope."
If I'd wanted to say more, I couldn't because he shut the door. We backed up but soon shook off the strange sense of dread and became irritated instead. We wouldn't be deterred. We figured we'd hike back the way we'd come and then when we were out of sight we'd take a back route and hook up with the original trail.