EXAMPLE OF SUBSTANTIVE REVISION

FIRST DRAFT

Five years ago, on a day like today, while having breakfast with my family, I got a sudden urge and desire to get a puppy. To my family this all seemed very peculiar but nevertheless we want out in search of a puppy that would later steal our hearts.

Because I have never before liked or enjoyed presence of animals, I was quite anxious of my mission. Not knowing anything about owning and taking care of a pet, our first stop for the mission was a local pet store were our attitude towards pets and their owners would forever change.

Upon the entrance to the pet store, we were faced with a huge selection of different types and size dogs. Having presented with such variation and selection did not make my mission any difficult, because I knew exactly what I wanted. I also knew that my mission would be completed at this very pet store and there, I was facing the cutest puppy I have ever seen.

A newborn Shih Tzu with a snow-white chest and paws was sleeping quietly in a dog cage. While other dogs kept on barking and jumping around, my dog was sleeping peacefully like there was no one else around her. This was a moment to remember as watching her sleep made me fall in love with her right away.

Already knowing that this was going to be my dog, I kindly asked a saleswoman to get the black and white Shih Tzu out of her cage. Like asked, the saleswoman went to get the sleeping beauty out of her cage. As the woman opened the door and reached in to get her out, she just kept on sleeping like she did not want to be bothered by anything or anyone. At this time, the saleswoman suggested that she show me the other Shih Tzu that was in the neighboring cage. Although I had my heart set on the sleeping puppy, I agreed to see the other also very cute and lovable puppy.

Precisely as the saleswoman reached to open the door of the other puppy, my sleeping beauty woke up. She woke up and violently started barking. She started barking like she was pleading for her freedom. Excited that my puppy took action in recognizing our soon to be established relationship, I instantly insisted on not only seeing the puppy but also taking her home.

As I was securing the ownership of my dog, my precious puppy was being washed and groomed to get ready for the big night and future awaiting her. Holding her in my arms for the first time, I understood the relationship between a dog and it's owner. I understood the unconditional love pets have towards their owners. And I understood the love an owner has towards its "best friend".

SECOND DRAFT

Notice that in the second draft the first draft material shows up starting in paragraph 8.  The first seven paragraphs create a new meaning for the story altogether.

1 As each day unfolds a new chapter of my life, I develop a greater understanding of the appreciation I have towards my companions, including my treasured pet, Nikki. Due to an unfortunate circumstance, I had only recently started to appreciate the love of pets and thankfully I was lucky enough to erase the fear of dogs with the help of Nikki.

2 Growing up, every summer I visited my grandparents at their country house. My grandfather always loved dogs, especially the big and scary ones, and for as long as I can remember, he would get one dog after another. Since growing up as a child, I had a fear of dogs, my grandfather had to keep his dogs locked in a cage while I was visiting my grandparents over the summer.

3 I now understand that this was a very cruel request on my behalf, but I had a pretty good reason to be scared of dogs. My summer vacations spent with my grandparents are full of fond memories, but one summer in particular stands out the most in my memory.

4 On a hot summer day, while playing in a yard with my friends everything seemed to be going great. The weather was just right and we were all having fun, until a big ugly dog came running towards us. To a little girl, this dog seemed gigantic. To a girl who did not like dogs, this dog seemed vicious and ready to attack. And so he did.

5 After the dog satisfied his hunger by taking a bite out of my leg, I soon started to bleed. As soon as my grandparents found out what had just happened, they rushed me to the hospital. My day was going just great. I hated dogs, I hated hospitals and I especially hated needles. My screaming, kicking, yelling and crying did not stop the painful vaccination from entering my body and this whole situation made me wonder why dogs existed at all. Was it for them to bring us pain and leave us scarred for the rest of our lives? To leave us with horrible memories of childhood summers spent with our grandparents? Or was it that they also need attention, love and care?

6 At the time I did not have answers to my questions, but certainly this big dog attacking me and taking a bite out of my leg made me dislike dogs even more. Like it was not enough for me not liking dogs in the first place, but no, this dog in particular had to make the matters even worse.

7 After that horrible and terrifying accident, I just did not want anything to do with dogs. That dog left me scared for life and why would I ever want anything to do with dogs you may ask. Well that's exactly what I thought too, but my feelings were soon to be changed.

8 Precisely five years ago, on a day like today, while having breakfast with my family I got a sudden urge and desire to get a puppy. To my family this all seemed very peculiar but nevertheless we want out in search of a puppy that would later steal our hearts.

Because I have never before liked or enjoyed presence of animals, I was quite anxious of my mission. Not knowing anything about owning and taking care of a pet, my first stop for the mission was a local pet store were my attitude towards pets and their owners would forever change.

Upon the entrance to the pet store, I was faced with a huge selection of different types and size dogs. Having presented with such variation and selection did not make my mission any difficult, because I knew exactly what I wanted. I also knew that my mission would be completed at this very pet store and there, I was facing the cutest puppy I have ever seen.

A newborn Shih Tzu with a snow-white chest and paws was sleeping quietly in a dog cage. While other dogs kept on barking and jumping around, my dog was sleeping peacefully like there was no one else around her. This was a moment to remember as watching her sleep made me fall in love with her right away.

Already knowing that this was going to be my dog, I kindly asked a saleswoman to get the black and white Shih Tzu out of her cage. Like asked, the saleswoman went to get the sleeping beauty out of her cage. As the woman opened the door and reached in to get her out, she just kept on sleeping like she did not want to be bothered by anything or anyone. At this time, the saleswoman suggested that she show me the other Shih Tzu that was in the neighboring cage. Although I had my heart set on the sleeping puppy, I agreed to see the other also very cute and lovable puppy.

Precisely as the saleswoman reached to open the door of the other puppy, my sleeping beauty woke up. She woke up and violently started barking. She started barking like she was pleading for her freedom. Excited that my puppy took action in recognizing our soon to be established relationship, I instantly insisted on not only seeing the puppy but also taking her home.

As I was securing the ownership of my dog, my precious puppy was being groomed to get ready for the big night and future awaiting her. Holding her in my arms for the first time, I understood the relationship between a dog and it's owner. I understood the unconditional love pets have towards their owners. And I understood the love an owner has towards its "best friend". And by this time, I had totally forgotten and erased my childhood fears and as I like to refer to it, an accident with a dog that was lacking love and affection.