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My heart aches for you. If you do or don't believe in God, I'll pray for you. One thing I do know. We can't blame Him for this. Man is desperately wicked, from birth to death, he keeps us alive, he lets us die. We don't think it's fair, but God knows the future. Remember that life is hard and complex, many human beings share your experience, from the beginning of time. You saw part of the worst, and your pain is valid, the restlessness valid. You will never be able to smoke your cigarette after winning the war. The war is over.